Friday, August 27, 2010

Infertility sucks

It does. Even though I'm halfway through a healthy surprise pregnancy, infertility sucks.

I don't fully believer I'm pregnant. I've seen the ultrasounds, heard the heartbeat, know the gender, and feel the jabs that are getting stronger by the day.

And I don't believe I'm pregnant.

I have lost the innocence of rejoicing in those first flutters of movement and being excited and thrilled over every little thing. I lost that because of the decade of loss that I had.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm happy to be here, and to be pregnant.

I fear for the loss of this little one in such a deep way, because it is all my body and spirit have ever known. The loss of my biological children.

And even now, after the infertility cycle has seemingly been lifted for a brief moment, infertility still sucks. It has left a big deep gaping wound on my soul that I don't think will ever heal. It will just scab over, for a while, and then be ripped off again and again.


JayLeigh said...

Oh, Erin, I'm so sorry. How painful. :*-( *hugs* Praying for you!

Peregrina said...

I must say that I miss your regular blogging. I know you are super busy (to say the least) but I love the way your write... :)

Sarah said...

All I can offer is some prayers and a virtual over-the-internet type hug. That's so very little, but: ((hug)) I'm so sorry. <3

Bethgo said...

Everything ok?

Tammy said...

Ditto what Bethgo said...thinking of you lots and checking in obsessively. Hope all is well.